A lot of things changed in 1 year. Wow, come to think of it, well I feel very accomplished. But I'm really tired this year. Seems everything I do must come with double efforts. Not that I have bad luck but just everything goes wrong and worst of all for the first time ever I, myself have to carry all these shit on my own shoulders. I could tell people I moved out around 19 and spent the next 10 independently living on my own. But I've always had someone next to me and share my events all the time. I could still enjoy that daily ritual but over the phone just plain cold tea though. So it started with a little sore nose but time well spent, I learned so much about myself. I always thought I'm the extrovert. The type who is always outgoing, who always say hi and never pretend, who is really down to earth, and who really likes to help. I always enjoyed seeking attention to the point I beg for people to notice me. I have gotten myself ripped off or simply give off and broke off, deep in debts just to put up a face or make someone smile.
In a few words I'd say I've learned self control. Come to think of it I learned structure, discipline, and the true independent I've long but hesitant for.
I get to finally look at myself in the mirror and know who I'm looking at. I realize I've longed for some peace and quiet. How I dwell in the blues of solitude yet I can have my sunshine or icy moon lights. Why feel guilty about staying home to enjoy a good show, blogged a little, love the sound of music and your keyboard clicks but no other sound but your own breath. I have tourette syndrome and I just let them rip if I have to. If I have to party I will show you, party, but otherwise I find myself getting lost in the woods early in the morning with my camera and making national geographic out of local parks.
I realized I'm not the "iconic being" I was so ignorantly imagined. I appreciate my weakness and although I have so much complains but each day I go home I really feel the day wasn't wasted. I'm still learning to be true to myself but everything else I just feel much more controlled.
I would like to have my partner back so we can talk heart to heart looking through each others eyes.
But for now my semi urban monk style living is addictive. I'm still learning.
I close the book for today, until next time.
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