the fighting man

Last night I came home feeling really lazy.  I just sat in front my pc and stared at the screen like a full time writer with a serious case of writer's block.  Later I posted something sentimental which almost made myself cry. 

As sudden as a tropical thunderstorm in the deep south.  I arrived my kitchen and started defrosting the chicken.  While setting up to cook I was fighting myself because I was lazy but I thought since I'm a little tight on the pocket this month I should cook instead of buying dinner and lunch.  After a set of push and pull ups, my blood was pumping again like a steam engine and I cooked a pot a rice and the famous taiwanese dish 3 cup chicken.

Later I wrote on Facebook about how life needs structure and discipline.

This is who I am.  A man who's constantly fighting himself over the wrong and right.  I'm often caught up between distinguishing the norm of the society and the my own perspectives.  It seems the way my mother brought me up have molded myself in a life style of constant self struggle.  I'm indefinitely searching the balance in continuous repetitions.  I have tourette syndrome which could be one of the reason why I'm always on the fighting with myself.  Also I now firmly believe that by not having a satisfying job will only make my struggle worse.

This morning I had my annual company performance review.  I was never a fan of this type of review conducted by corporate America but we had to do it just like every other questionable activities called upon by some big honcho somewhere sipping his latte.  The review is scored by max 4 pts on each criteria and the final result is some where between 0 - 4 just like GPA.  Falling below 2 could mean a write up.  This year I scored 1.9.  To me, if I had to rate myself, I'd probably rate worse.  This year has been a hell of a struggle.  Emotionally I'm totally unstable.  I've made violent remarks in the office which alerted management and even gave me therapy.  Truth is I've out grown this box.  Since I landed my first job in the industry almost 9 years ago I've had my share of happiness and depression.  My biggest weakness in this field is paperwork.  And because of paperwork I am viewed as a bad accountant who often short bill, over bill, or having excessive billing issues to make myself and the department seem less satisfactory when reviewed by the client.  My best character is my people skill.  My willingingness to help, my fearless attitude to face challenges, ok, this is not a resume so no need to overly judge myself. 

Today someone referred me as the a very negative person.  However not just negative but a hybrid negative because I'm viewed as someone who's very focused on the negative yet constantly fighting for the positive edge. 

Ask me if I felt like a slap in the face.  No, I feel good, I feel truthful, I feel this remarkable comment is so ME. 

This fuels me to seek the positive edge.  And I truly know now why I'm struggling and the purpose of my fighting.

Right now I must dig my way out and seek the light on top of the bottle neck.  Mostly, I have to step away from the perceived comfort zone which is the leasting comforting but the most destructing to both my mental and physical health. 

Below is an email from my dear friend.  I knew him for a short time at work.  Since he departed New York we've been pen pal and often carry out conversations on the phone.  I am perceived as a talking open book.  I like to express my weakness to other to relieve stress.  Sometimes by doing so I invite trouble and unwanted attacks.  But when faced with a good person like Daniel, he speaks the truth and allow me to learn myself even more.

Thank you Dan.

Now I would share Dan's email.

From: Daniel
Sent: Wednesday, October 28, 2009 11:38 AM
To: Peter Zhao
Subject: RE: hey

Yeah. I agree. From my perspective it seems like you have outgrown the place.
I believe you are an extremely intelligent guy with a deeply philosophical and creative side. I think you need a job that will push you and also allow you to create.
You have gone through a lot of $hit in the past year, that and being locked into the same old routine must be closing in like four walls in a jail cell.

Personally I find the being stuck doing the same thing with now advancement pushes me over the edge. That coupled with the total lack of intellectual stimulation blows my fu&king mind! I can’t even have a decent conversation about a book, philosophical idea, or a scientific discovery. If it wasn’t for Dina I would come home every night and drink Scotch too. (Instead of beer and wine that I drink every night now).

I guess what I am saying is I know you are too good for that $hit, and feeling stagnated sucks donkey d!ck.
Sometimes you have to dynamite the log jam. You might loose some wood but it gets the rest flowing down the river again.